My Arranged Love Marriage..

I never really do personal posts, but I felt I should try something different from the usual dribble I come out with.

Arranged marriage: the 2 words which generate fear amongst most British Asians. The thought of letting our parents choose someone for us is just ridiculous, I never let my mum choose my own clothes let alone a bride!!

For years I was determined not to have my marriage arranged, I felt like so many of my friends that I could find someone on my own without any help. I went to university back in 2010 thinking I could find the perfect women (as well as study) and that my parents would accept her with open arms.

Well 3 years later nothing had happened, yes I had talked to people but nothing serious came out of this. I can explain the situation like this; my criteria was too tight! I wanted someone similar to myself, sober and vegetarian as well as cultured and family orientated. I was not ready to lower my ideals, despite the fact that very few girls at university had the viewpoint on life. My main feeling is that I had a long term outlook on relationships which some people may not have agreed with.

WOAH ASH, CALM DOWN YOU ARE ONLY 21! LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Well that’s the problem, I could have delayed all this until much later in life. But the chances of finding someone who would be accepted by my parents would be much lower over time. As it is, my career choice of maths teacher meant that I have little to no time to actually do dating. It was all a bit daunting…( you can tell I am a practical person, if only I gave this much thought to my bloody degree..). I got a job and graduated, and I think by this time I had given up all hope and let fate/destiny do the rest. I couldn’t be bothered to think about it anymore and I avoided the topic whenever anyone brought it up.

A phonecall came from an old family friend in India last summer. After 2 hours worth of conversation my mother hesitantly brought up the subject at the dinner table.

MUM: “So puth (son), a phonecall came from India..about a girl…”

ME: “No.Just No.”

MUM: “Hear me out at least, bhut soni kuri ah..”

Over the course of the next week I argued intensely with my parents, I didn’t want an arranged marriage and definitely not from someone from India. I felt things were getting out of my control and I haven’t even started my job yet! However, I agreed that maybe I should talk to the girl before I completely write her off. No harm right?

Well initially it was awkward, I had met her Dad a few years ago and had seen pictures but I was so uncomfortable with all this. She was even more uncomfortable as she didn’t want to marry this soon and definitely not with someone from England. Things were not good at this stage.

However, over time after breaking through the nerves and shyness we got talking a lot more. We watsapped each other frequently and our Skype conversations were more comfortable. At this point I realised that we could only talk like this so openly because we had the support of both our parents. Sometimes my own mother would tell me to call her!

Weeks turned into months, we kept sending pictures and had a lot of fun in the process. The main problem however was the time difference, but we made it work; I would talk in the mornings on watsapp on the way to work, then again after work. Again it was nice to have my parents supporting me each step of the way asking ‘how is she? what did you talk about?’. I definitely felt relieved, I know plenty of friends that had to hide their relationships and I think that dishonesty is not good for the couple or the families involved.

Of course we had tough times, at this point we had never met! In this regard I felt a bit uneasy but also excited, what would our first meeting be like? STILL, we had the choice to opt out of all this, but we never did. Then by about December/January time I felt I was ready to take a big leap…I had talked to Naina (the girl in question) for a few months and I felt she was the one for me. Of course most of you would think I am crazy, you would say I need years to know someone. But to be honest, we clicked really well; she understood me and accepted my flaws and shortcomings as I accept hers. We were brutally honest with each other about everything in our lives and most importantly, my parents accepted her and hers accepted me. The date was set for April 2014, my engagement…

I was in India for only 11 days, but it seemed like a mere second. I had so much fun with family and although I had butterflies in my stomach on meeting Naina for the first time, I felt immediately at ease with her during the ceremonies. After that day we spent a lot more time in Punjab and I had a great time getting to know her more. I will never forget that time, and it felt almost wrong and insane to come back to the UK and settle back into the work routine again. We will meet again at our wedding next year, it’s a painful wait but well worth it.

I suppose the conclusion of my story is that arranged marriage is not some sort of prehistoric remnant of historical India. It really does have its advantages; you can communicate openly with your partner; you have family support and you don’t have to keep things secret from your parents. But I suppose the biggest advantage is the ‘mystery’. You see, when you have a long term partner who you intend to marry, you already know everything about that individual before you spend your new life together. That novelty and initial excitement has already long gone…but in an arranged marriage, you can develop a very strong bond because you grow together and get to know each other properly.

I am lucky to say that out of my arranged marriage, me and Naina have a great understanding and also a deeper attachment from the knowledge that we will soon be reunited again. Obviously I don’t mean to say that everyone should have an arranged marriage, but I hope I dispelled a few myths and fears about the practise. Again it all comes down to the individual and their family and your outlook on life.