My Arranged Love Marriage..

I never really do personal posts, but I felt I should try something different from the usual dribble I come out with.

Arranged marriage: the 2 words which generate fear amongst most British Asians. The thought of letting our parents choose someone for us is just ridiculous, I never let my mum choose my own clothes let alone a bride!!

For years I was determined not to have my marriage arranged, I felt like so many of my friends that I could find someone on my own without any help. I went to university back in 2010 thinking I could find the perfect women (as well as study) and that my parents would accept her with open arms.

Well 3 years later nothing had happened, yes I had talked to people but nothing serious came out of this. I can explain the situation like this; my criteria was too tight! I wanted someone similar to myself, sober and vegetarian as well as cultured and family orientated. I was not ready to lower my ideals, despite the fact that very few girls at university had the viewpoint on life. My main feeling is that I had a long term outlook on relationships which some people may not have agreed with.

WOAH ASH, CALM DOWN YOU ARE ONLY 21! LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Well that’s the problem, I could have delayed all this until much later in life. But the chances of finding someone who would be accepted by my parents would be much lower over time. As it is, my career choice of maths teacher meant that I have little to no time to actually do dating. It was all a bit daunting…( you can tell I am a practical person, if only I gave this much thought to my bloody degree..). I got a job and graduated, and I think by this time I had given up all hope and let fate/destiny do the rest. I couldn’t be bothered to think about it anymore and I avoided the topic whenever anyone brought it up.

A phonecall came from an old family friend in India last summer. After 2 hours worth of conversation my mother hesitantly brought up the subject at the dinner table.

MUM: “So puth (son), a phonecall came from India..about a girl…”

ME: “No.Just No.”

MUM: “Hear me out at least, bhut soni kuri ah..”

Over the course of the next week I argued intensely with my parents, I didn’t want an arranged marriage and definitely not from someone from India. I felt things were getting out of my control and I haven’t even started my job yet! However, I agreed that maybe I should talk to the girl before I completely write her off. No harm right?

Well initially it was awkward, I had met her Dad a few years ago and had seen pictures but I was so uncomfortable with all this. She was even more uncomfortable as she didn’t want to marry this soon and definitely not with someone from England. Things were not good at this stage.

However, over time after breaking through the nerves and shyness we got talking a lot more. We watsapped each other frequently and our Skype conversations were more comfortable. At this point I realised that we could only talk like this so openly because we had the support of both our parents. Sometimes my own mother would tell me to call her!

Weeks turned into months, we kept sending pictures and had a lot of fun in the process. The main problem however was the time difference, but we made it work; I would talk in the mornings on watsapp on the way to work, then again after work. Again it was nice to have my parents supporting me each step of the way asking ‘how is she? what did you talk about?’. I definitely felt relieved, I know plenty of friends that had to hide their relationships and I think that dishonesty is not good for the couple or the families involved.

Of course we had tough times, at this point we had never met! In this regard I felt a bit uneasy but also excited, what would our first meeting be like? STILL, we had the choice to opt out of all this, but we never did. Then by about December/January time I felt I was ready to take a big leap…I had talked to Naina (the girl in question) for a few months and I felt she was the one for me. Of course most of you would think I am crazy, you would say I need years to know someone. But to be honest, we clicked really well; she understood me and accepted my flaws and shortcomings as I accept hers. We were brutally honest with each other about everything in our lives and most importantly, my parents accepted her and hers accepted me. The date was set for April 2014, my engagement…

I was in India for only 11 days, but it seemed like a mere second. I had so much fun with family and although I had butterflies in my stomach on meeting Naina for the first time, I felt immediately at ease with her during the ceremonies. After that day we spent a lot more time in Punjab and I had a great time getting to know her more. I will never forget that time, and it felt almost wrong and insane to come back to the UK and settle back into the work routine again. We will meet again at our wedding next year, it’s a painful wait but well worth it.

I suppose the conclusion of my story is that arranged marriage is not some sort of prehistoric remnant of historical India. It really does have its advantages; you can communicate openly with your partner; you have family support and you don’t have to keep things secret from your parents. But I suppose the biggest advantage is the ‘mystery’. You see, when you have a long term partner who you intend to marry, you already know everything about that individual before you spend your new life together. That novelty and initial excitement has already long gone…but in an arranged marriage, you can develop a very strong bond because you grow together and get to know each other properly.

I am lucky to say that out of my arranged marriage, me and Naina have a great understanding and also a deeper attachment from the knowledge that we will soon be reunited again. Obviously I don’t mean to say that everyone should have an arranged marriage, but I hope I dispelled a few myths and fears about the practise. Again it all comes down to the individual and their family and your outlook on life.

The Sikh Community in Britain; an outsiders opinion.

Britain is an island which has over the years become a melting pot of culture and languages. Each ethnic community has their own specialisms and strengths which has helped this country to become a beacon for social cohesion. Whether it is the West Indians who came during the 1950’s to work on the London buses or the Pakistani Muslims who worked endless hours in the Yorkshire mills. All of these communities have left an indelible mark in rich and varied script of British history.

In my post today I will look at the Sikh community, an ethnic group of people who hail from the Punjab region of North India. I live in a small town in England called Gravesend, which has its own very well established and growing Sikh community which is now in its 3rd or 4th generation. Even though my own ancestors hail from the same area as these people, I am writing this post as an outside because I am not a Sikh; I am a HIndu Brahmin. I follow a different religion and as a result a different culture to my Sikh brethren who live in my neighbourhoods.

This is my view of the Sikh community within the UK having not only lived in Gravesend for my formative years but also having spent 3 years living in Leicester and witnessing the Sikh students who strive to follow their faith…

The Sikhs of Britain are the most hardest working community in the land. They bring with them a tenacity to work and a humbleness to not complain, as a result they are also the wealthiest of the south Asian minorities in the UK with a median household salary of £200,000. The Sikhs today, as they did back in the 50’s when they first arrived always look after one another and their families. Many families try to bring relatives over from India and help them set up in this ‘land of oppurtunity’. However, although lots of families have gained immense fortune living here, the hardships they have had to endure to become successful has been great too. Many turbaned Sikh men still experience racism in this modern era even though there is lots of education within schools about differentiation of religions. However, if anything this makes the bonds between the people much greater and they face the adversity with a combined effort. Sikhs are also very progressive and integrate very well wherever they go, they have excelled in all aspects and sections of British life without compromising on their background. I think the best thing I have seen in my time living with these big hearted people is that they love their religion so much; it gives them boundless energy during their bad times as well as a reflection during their good times. This is why Sikhism as a religion is unique, because the people by and large carry out the message which the Gurus laid out before them in their illustrious history. They love their religion so much they have a mission to build Gurdwaras wherever they go so that they can pray and do sewa in peace. On that note the concept of ‘service for others’ or Sewa is a key tenet of the faith and again they hold this in high regard whether it be serving langar with love in the Gurdwara or giving great hospitality in family functions. They always seek to include, educate and promote others about their faith and do this by means of TV channels, leaflets and even facebook. All in all it is a faith for humanity.

As an outsider I have a different perspective on things and this provides me with a different view on Sikhism within this country. Although I understand much of the faith I do not claim to be educated in it, I have many Sikh friends who I consider my own brothers and this has provided me with much insight into the community. There are however various problems which are apparent from my viewpoint…

I think the major struggle the Sikhs (as with any ethnic minority in the UK) have is the battle to maintain and preserve their culture and religion. I have seen first hand at University how young Asian girls and boys, not only Sikh, try to diverge away from their true paths and try to become more modern in their ways. The Sikh Society at my university did a great job to educate the students but despite tremendous support in volunteering, one can only feel that these were the minority. There were very few people who I can say exhibit true qualities of a ‘Singh’ or a ‘Kaur’. The youth are in a struggle to try and fit into British society but also to adhere to their faith, it is a struggle which I have been through myself and it is tough.
The issue of caste, as mentioned in another one of my blogs, is indeed a cancer on the community which affects everyone. One of the fundamental tenets of Sikhi is that caste is wrong and one should not follow it; however there are deep divisions within the community due to people still believing that their caste is better than another. I have seen separate Gurdwaras for Ravidassia ( Low caste) Sikhs and it seems that people will still hold onto their attached caste.
More recently the cases involving sexual abuse and grooming of young Sikh girls has hit the community hard, I have seen and heard cases in Leicester involving grooming gangs in clubs and there is a lot of truth to these stories. There has even been a BBC documentary highlighting this issue and it is heartening to see that there are educational programmes out there in place to deter such vile acts against these girls.
There also seems to be some kind of weird mix between how one should uphold Punjabi culture; which promotes alcohol, eating meat and caste etc and the true values of Sikhism which do not promote such things. Again it is just my opinion, but for normal Sikh youth it may be a very difficult balancing act to try.
The burning issue for Sikhs who really are in touch with their roots is the issue of Khalistan and the events before and after 1984. TO MAKE THIS CLEAR; I was not born and I did not live in that time, so I will not comment on it because I have no knowledge other than news reports and friends. However, I will say that it is very clear that the justice system of India is a shambles and why the perpetrators of the Delhi riots have have not been dealt with is beyond me. My family come from Delhi and my Dad has recounted to me the story of how he and his brothers defended his Sikh neighbours with cricket bats while the city around them was in chaos. I cannot help but cry in anguish over his story, as well as the miscarriages of justice that has occurred in the Punjab during the 1990’s. I am not educated enough to comment on the validity of Khalistan (a homeland for the Sikhs) but the Sikh youth of the UK do try tirelessly for their cause and I respect them for it…you need to stand up for what you believe in.

I think the Sikh community in the UK have done themselves proud, they have made a shining example of social cohabitation and it has been a privilege to live among these fiercely proud people. The religion has inspired me through my tough times and its followers have shown me and my family a lot of love over these years. Despite the problems facing it, I am confident that the youth will overcome them with the same zeal and effort as their fore-fathers.

If I have offended anyone then I am incredibly sorry, it was not my intention. Please however leave comments or criticisms if you get time, I would love to educate myself. This post is merely an objective viewpoint of Sikhism in this country, not an attack.

The challenges of keeping your culture and religion in University

Many of you who are above the age of 21 will fondly remember your University days with a tinge of sadness. Now you are in your working life and yearn the wild nights out, the one-night stands and your alcohol-induced antics. You will remember falling out of bed in the morning with an intense hangover, as if someone had just beaten you with a kitchen sink.

Ahh those were the  days…

Except for me, my uni life was completely different. Before I set off to university I made pact with myself that I should not drink, eat meat or engage in one-night stands. Why was this you may ask? Well for me, and I think for hundreds of other students who take their religion and culture seriously, it is to not to go against your teachings and upbringing of your parents.

I think for many a uni life without meat can be achievable, but without alcohol? The 2 words ‘uni’ and ‘alcohol’ go together like ‘One direction’ and ‘Crap’.

But I think I had the best 3 years of my life at uni by being sober! You could remember your best nights out, make up stories to hangover sufferers about who they made out with AND look half decent in pictures. But obviously my student life wasn’t always fun…

Freshers was the toughest week of my life, before that I had never experienced the smell of alcohol, the sight of drunken fun or even making out which could only be described as ‘hoovering the carpet’. With all this happening around me, I had to keep sight of what was important to me, my culture and my religion. I knew if I gave into these temptations then I could never look myself or my parents in the face ever again. Sure enough explaining my soberness to my  flatmates generated a sense of suspicion but also empathy as to what I was missing out. Though I will say this, the white folk never tried to coerce me…it was the Asian students who were keen to force me to try a shot or 2! It was deeply saddening that the people who should know my culture are the ones who want me to abandon it for a cheap thrill.

However after waking up from the coma of Freshers I managed to make plenty of friends just by trusting myself that I am interesting enough for people to know me sober. As first year progressed my peers respected me for my lifestyle and over time friendships developed out of pure respect and not any love of the drink. Clubbing was not an issue and usually people could recognise me with my glass of water in hand in the corner trying to bust a bhangra move in the RnB room (yes I was that guy). Obviously this meant that I could not chat up any of the student birds in the club, but this was fine…I doubt they would be impressed if I tried to charm them by buying a orange juice over a vodka and coke. As it is I do not believe in messing about with girls or one night stands, I am waiting for ‘THE ONE’ *vomiting noise in toilet*

But the monotony of clubbing sober soon set in to the point where in 3rd year I summed it up as:

Attempting to dance very badly to very loud music  in a dark room  with a sticky floor and chilling with drunk friends until one of them pulls a bird/gets into a fight/gets wasted/loses all their money and annoys all his/hers mates until he/she walks back on their own.

Still even into my final year it was the Asian students that had the biggest problem with me being sober, I think many of them thought I was out-of-touch or that I didn’t have the balls. But I discovered at University how to dance to Bhangra music, this was MY alcohol and you could see my sweaty face in most of the bhangra nights within Leicester and surrounding areas.  The adrenaline rush when you have a showdown in a club with other guys is second to none AND surprisingly a few girls found it an attractive part of my personality ( I was still going to buy them orange juice though). Fair to say though whenever the Rnb/Hiphop music came on the black brothers would just own you anyway.

So out of ten I would rate my sober University experience as a solid 8.5. I not only proved to myself that I could have fun without comprising my culture and religion but also my parents, brothers and friends. My advice to anyone going through or is about to go through my experience would be to trust your guts, explore other passions and don’t give in!

It’s funny really; sometimes you underestimate how strong you really  are.

An Idiot’s Guide: How to make a Bhangra song video!

Hey guys/ladies, ever wanted to find out how you can make your really hipping track really up-to-date and modern? Are you passionate about showing Punjabi culture to the world?Do you want to make a lot of money and look stupid in the process?

Then please look not further than this guide…

1. You need a song which contains any of the following themes/keywords:Jatt, Jatt di Zameen, money, girls, fashion, Chandigarh, muscles, biceps, gym, Honey Singh, YO YO, Alcohol, Drugs, motorcycles, guns, emigration.

1. Any song which talks about pind lifestyle, Punjabi ma boli and other such things are frowned upon, that’s so Gurdas Maan.
2. Once you have a song, you need some cameramen who have the total creative acumen of a flea.The cameramen will provide many awful backgrounds to shoot in, but make sure you go for: grotty bars, cheesy nightclubs, parking spaces and if you want to go all out you can try and use a field in the middle of nowhere.
3. You now need actors, actresses and background caste.This is really important, mess this up and people will not care, in fact it is more important than the song itself…and your mother maybe.
   The vital person is the actress; you can either use the woman who made the song or if she is too ugly then you can pay some modelling agency in the pind to send some random girl from the kheth. Apply tons of makeup, give a dress which would make her potential in laws gasp in shock and hey presto! A typical Punjaban.
   The actors and background cast can be made up by inviting your random mates and family members with the promise that they will be famous if they just stand in the corner and pretend to look vaguely sober.
4. NOW finally the video shoot!
   
   Set a date, get your actors etc together as well as video crew. Now to make a great video one must take as much time as possible, a day or 2 maybe. Put a couple of bottles of vodka on the ready to give to your background cast. Make random dance moves and if you want to be risque; add a proper bhangra  team (for a folk touch). Emphasize all the action on the main girl and her moving body, with the background cast all having a glassy on the side. Main man just needs to stare and dance around main girl until they fall in love.
5. Song promotionAll the hard work is done! Now to promote like crazy on facebook, twitter, instagram, newspaper, radio, email, TV and youtube. Promotion is everything, you have to promote the best of Punjabi culture *as well as earning dollar*. Get it advertised on prime tv if you have the rupaiya. Interview with all the big names in Bhangra music industry and go into nightclubs to sing your gundeh gaaneh in the hope someone will buy it….don’t forget ONLY BUY OFF ITUNES!
6. Sit back and see your singing career take off!*This blog is a parody of what I think is the state of the Bhangra music industry which portrays good about Punjabi culture and its history*

Is the issue of Caste important in modern British Asian society?

Since the 1950’s hundreds of Asian families from all parts of the now defunct British Empire came to these shores to seek a new life away from their chaotic lives in India. Many of them brought with them their culture, language and food of course and much of what they sought to preserve are good things.

However, they also brought with them something which you may not immediately have thought of; the ugly conception of social stratification known to many as the caste system. It is a system by which people are separated into a level of society based on which family they were born into and what that family’s ancestral occupation was. Hindus, Sikhs, Christian and Muslims from India/Pakistan/Bangladesh all have the caste system in varying degrees and they have implemented and kept this practise alive to this very day.

For those of you who may not know why caste is controversial, this is a breakdown of facts;

• Thousands of years ago the ancient Hindus had generated a system of social stratification which was based on what you did for a living. Priests, Kings and Merchants formed the upper castes while cleaners and other such were considered of the low castes.
• However, the initial intention was not to divide but to provide a scientific solution for a smooth and effective running of society. Over time though, people in the higher castes twisted the narrative to their advantage and to maintain superiority; caste is now determined by birth.
• As a result those born in the higher castes have, for centuries, looked down upon those of the lower castes
• There has been over time a concerted effort on part of groups of the higher castes to keep people in lower castes in their place i.e. poor, uneducated and unable to move socially and economically
• This has over generations created huge divisions in society, where its forbidden to marry out of caste, walk in a lower caste area or even drink water from an ‘untouchable’.

Of course during Indian history many people in these lower castes tried to escape such persecution by converting to Islam, Sikhism or Christianity. But the old system was still carried over and their descendants are not any better off despite the message of equality being carried out by all 3 of those faiths.

So that is the ‘brief’ history of caste issue, I shall not go into further detail for the time being…

Now welcome to 21st century Britain,  the descendants of those first migrants from Asia are successful in all aspects of society. They contribute so much to the economy and to the diversity of the UK. The 2nd and 3rd generation British Asians have moved on to integrate well, but the lingering problem of Caste still haunts them.

No more so is caste such a divisive issue as when it comes to marriage.

I live in Gravesend, which has a large population of Sikhs who would consider themselves as of the Jatt caste (the farmer caste). Despite the fact that Sikhism abhors caste and talks of equality in scripture, there is a reluctance amongst the elderly in this conservative society to marry sons/ daughters outside of the Jatt caste. There is a fear that family reputation would be tarnished, especially if a daughter marries below caste, indeed you may have seen on the news that families commit honour killings to try and preserve their caste ‘ideals’.

So you can understand the friction that would be caused between family members if suddenly their son/daughter brings home someone of a lower caste. The Sikh youth of Gravesend do not wish to bring ‘insult’ to their family and accept that they must try to marry within caste.

However, Gravesend should not be taken in isolation. The Gujarati Hindu communities of Harrow have their own systems of caste, as do the South Indian families of East London. Even the Kerala Christians who have migrated recently keep to their own specific sects of Catholicism. All the youth of these communities try to not diverge from their respective castes, but inevitably problems can arise with devastating consequences. Caste discrimination can also spread to the workplace, places of worship and even school! I can instantly recall many students during my school days cherishing and glorifying their particular caste to those around them for no reason.

Caste and the effects of caste discrimination should not really exist in this day and age in the UK, however people wish to hold onto their cultures, traditions and beliefs. This may seem as a worthwhile effort, but nowadays British Asian youth no longer occupy those positions which their ancestors held for hundreds of years, so really what is the use of discriminating and separating?

Thus in conclusion, caste is still an important issue and it will be important for sometime in the future.  How future generations deal with this will be interesting to see…